Thursday, November 22, 2007

birthday thoughts

yup, indeed my birthday came and is passing without much ado. Ivana was the first to message, followed by 3 girls and Andrew (i think?!).

it was quite a far cry, if you went through the photos in my friendster. A year ago, i was close to crumpling down because i felt i was a failure. A failure in managing my personal life - a relationship of many years gone to drain, which inevitably affected my grades. It was 'zi bao zi qi' that explained the effects. The grade point system punishes students who started off badly, like me. I never got a D since polytechnic years. Yet i was rewarded a D for my personal problems in my first semester. And so far i have been unable to push up my CAP by a lot - but i persist in hanging on.

time indeed works to heal wounds. I (still) have to thank my friends who were there for me. Last October, i remember calling GY down to his coffeeshop, ordered a bottle of Heineken while i waited. As he arrived and i drank, i recounted the regret to him. The rest that followed is plenty of sad stuff, which took months to recover. As i looked back, i might have looked foolish, but i'm never the one who can hide my emotions well, especially unhappy ones. The more i know the person well, the more i reveal myself (can be good and bad). So, it's always better to release pent up pressure.

Scott Jones and i talked briefly along the corridor just now. And saw MY coming back to take her bread (hmm). Then i recalled he and some of my tutors know both of us when we were in campus as students. I could still remember MY's reaction when she heard about the bad news.

many love songs carried deep meanings, and somehow i paid more attention to the lyrics since. The proverbial message of "letting go in order for the other good" hurts, but eventually it may be the best choice after all. She is doing very fine this day. I have also not stopped believing in what i should believe, and hope for the best for everything.

as i looked ahead, there are more to ponder - my career, my love and family. For my career, i maintain my stance; i'll go wherever there are good opportunities, including overseas stints. For my family, they are always the closest to me. Love is always an irony. When i'm attached, there are always frustrations because i care for my other half, yet always have problems showing it. When i'm single, there are always frustrations because i want my life to be mine and someone else's too. I want to share my ice lemon tea now, but nobody wants to. What's worse, i'm trapped in a one-sided situation.

matters of the heart aside, i feel like telling her to be more assertive of herself. She aims to further her studies later, and she can't really handle the human aspect of groupwork well. Get in touch with the harsh realities of working life as quickly as possible. What drew said might sound far fetched, but it may well be her nemesis. However who am i to tell her, and will she listen? Nevertheless, i'd like her for what she is.

sigh.

2 comments:

Marc de Retro man said...

Hey, i'm glad you're feeling much better now. In life we made some wrong decision here and there - and some we live to regret forever. Nevertheless, You'll find someone truly yours in time to come bro

zhiming said...

thanks bro. indeed wrong decisions are inevitable. However the regret won't be forever, becuz it's not worth it and unfair to my other half (no, not now) too :)